March 26: I'm tired

Do you ever have the feeling of being tired even though the day is just starting?

I feel tired thinking.

So many thoughts recently.

So many worries.

I feel lonely with no reasons.

I'm losing enthusiasm with things that used to makes my heart flutter.

Then I started thinking, what is this I am doing?

Why did it suddenly became boring?

Taniman ni Ces (Project Green)

The company started a project called PROJECT GREEN. I think this is to encourage employees to have a stress reliever activity. Plantitos and Plantitas have emerged during this Pandemic and it is a perfect timing for a company initiated project like this. I really appreciate the effort of the company encouraging us in doing a non-work related activity that would help us stay positive and occupied during this trying times. I already have plants that I look after, most of it are ornamentals, decorative plants. This is the first time for me to grow veggies. I tried planting before, eggplant, tomato, pepper and okra. but unfortunately, only pepper is alive until now, though  not bearing fruits yet, Am still glad it is still alive :) looking forward for the first fruit though  :D 

 I thank God for the opportunity. To be working with such a great company. Who does not only look after profit and money, but puts the welfare of their employees as one of the priority. A company that continuously strives to be of service not only of the customers but for it employee's welfare as well. I am forever grateful for all the blessings that was channeled through them. 

I'm scared, worried to death (a confession of a single mom)

I never thought that the time will come when I will be scared and worried to death.

I thought we are doing fine.

I thought she already accepted it and understands our situation.

I am a 36-year-old single mother.

I have a daughter who is 15 years old already.

I had her when I was about to graduate from college.

From a man who left me in misery when I was in my twenty.

I almost got myself flee from home.

I already searched for a place to turn myself into.

A shelter for the unwed mothers.

But God is gracious enough, He doesn't allowed me to be separated from my family.

God knows how much I'll be needing a support from my family.

No job, no source of income.

I had a hard time finding work.

Who would hire a single mother who doesn't have her diploma yet and worst doesn't have experience about working or so.

God has been good.

I landed with a job. Thanks to my Auntie. The same auntie that sent me to college.

Supported our family (she is my father's youngest sister).

Countless times I wanted to resign. 

My stubborn heart and mind is telling me that I was treated unfairly.

Too much loads, too low income.

But God is good.

looking back, I don't know how did we made it.

I was able to raise my child alone.

No support whatsoever from her father.

just a support from my family.

My mother helped look over my child while I was working.

My brothers served as a father figure.

My sister who in spite of having a bad habit of alcoholism and smoking has been there to accompany them.

I made sure to raise my child as OPEN to me as possible.

I always ensure that I am there for her whenever she needs me.

I tried with the best of my abilities to provide for her needs, and sometimes meet her wants (for some).

I thought with all these I am raising her in the BEST that I can.

Not until we had this heart to heart talk last Saturday night.

I felt so sleepy and was about to go to sleep when my daughter approached me.

She seems bothered. So I asked her about it.

At first she didn't want to tell me about it.

But later on she did.

She confessed about having suicidal thoughts.

She feel hurt and in deep pain thinking about, "Bakit ako lang ang walang tatay sa aming magpipinsan?". 

You know the feeling of being slapped in your face?

All this time, I thought I was enough.

I thought she already accepted it.

Then all of a sudden, there she is crying, because she feel like life is not fair for her.

I could not say anything to her but sorry.

I feel like it's all my fault.

I feel like I was the one putting her in that hard situation.

I feel like I did that to her.

I hurt her and keep on hurting her.

And there is nothing I could do.

Nakakaparanoid.

Now everytime I see her quiet and in deep thinking.

I'm afraid she might have those thoughts again.

I can't imagine what my life would be if ever something bad happen to her.

I couldn't do anything.

For the first time, after a long time.

I cried helplessly in the middle of breaking dawn.

With so much fear and a heavy heart.

God help my daughter.

Enlighten her mind.

Cast away evil thoughts and remind her how beautiful life is.

Something good awaits for the people who never gives up on life.

and put trust in the Lord.

I still have my fears.

But I am surrendering it to the Lord.

My daughter's feelings and thoughts I have no control over.

But I have faith that with God, nothing is hidden, nothing is impossible.

I always pray for her protection and guidance.

May the Lord remind her that she can always have the father in HIM.

the Father who will not hurt her nor forsake her.

the Father that is always there to listen to her and watch over her.

I pray that my daughter will have the same relationship I have with the Lord.

May the Lord open the eyes of her heart and sould and start building a strong relationship with God that could not be shaken.

May she have the confidence that she always have a father in heaven looking over her, wanting her to enjoy life and succeed.

March 8, 2021: INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY

Just a little background. 

Someone send this to me years and years ago.

Am not sure about the author, whether the sender and the author is the same person.

I might have asked him way back and forgot the response, not sure..

well anyway....

I just love this..

Obviously, this is for the SINGLE MOTHERS..

Me included. 

#CTTO - LSS

#noCopyrightInfringementIntended

No part of the message below is created by me  :)

********************************************************************************

pag.aalay para sa lahat ng kababaihang nag.iisang magulang,
saludo sa inyong pagsisikap sa buwan ng kababaihan 🙏👏👊

SINGLE

Nag-iisa kang tumayo’t tumindig
kumayod, bumuhay
sa bunga ng ‘yong pag-ibig
sa karanasan mong
       walang kasing pait
ang iwan at saktan      
       ay punyal sa dibdib.

Ngunit;
likas kang malakas
bawat pagluha mo’y 
       hilom sa ‘yong sugat,
hugot ng pag-asa’y
       sa uha ng anak
ang yakap sa bunso’y
       pambawi ng lakas.

Kaya’t
hindi ka na ano
o nagpaano lang,
binigay mong lahat
        buong pagmamahal
isa kang magulang
        kahit walang Adan
babae’t ina kang
        mayroong kalayaan!

CTTO : LSS